We are not the news.
We are the Noose.
1. The following bulletin contains statements,
actions and scenarios that are completely
(mostly) fabricated and fictitious.
2. We do not begin our bulletin with stories about
death, destruction and desperate measures. We
prefer fake accents, fiction and funny observations
about life in Singapore and beyond.
3. Believing us is like believing your workers do not
check their facebook accounts every 15 minutes.
4. Believing us is like believing football match results
are for real and your hairstylist really styled the
Hollywood actress as seen on that framed
photograph in his hair salon.
5. Believing us is like believing drivers keep
within their speed limit and signal their
intentions early on the road.
6. Believing us is like believing that, that pair of
secondary school students at your void deck
are locked in embrace because
the weather is freezing.
7. Believing us is like believing all drivers here
voluntarily display a valid parking coupon
when they park in public carparks.
9. Believing in us is like believing Christopher Lee
actually acted as Willy Wonka in
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory because of
what he wore at Star Awards 2011
10. Pursuant to Section 69, Sub-section 10e
Paragraph G of The Comedy Act
I declare that this is not the news.
11. Believing in us is like believing Tanglin Secondary
School is actually located at Tanglin Road.
Any similarities to actual people, events and pets are
And now, The Noose.